Mister Language Perp

Flipping through another grammar-related site, I was enraged by the advice of someone who claims to be a language expert, but is clearly not. In fact, I'd say he's just plain evil. Who but an evil person would dispense this sort of advice to innocent people looking for answers to their grammar questions?

Q. When the Marvelettes sing, "Deliver de letter, de sooner de better," are they using correct grammar?

A. No. The correct grammar would be, "Deliver de letter, irregardless."

This flippant answer only increases the questioner's level of murk. The answer should point out the misuse of the singular form, and suggest a correction, like this.

Deliver dem letters, irregardless.

This so-called language expert also fails to mention the origin of the word dem, which is, of course, Latin. Typically, the word is used with carp to create the familiar phrase carp dem, which means grab those fish!

Here's another disgusting example of this guy's heart of darkness.

Q. Please explain the correct grammatical usage of the phrase ''should of.''

A. Grammatically, ''should of'' is a predatory admonition; as such, it is always used as part of a herpetological phrase.

EXAMPLE: ''Maurice never should of took no snake to no funeral.''

Again, the answer is calculated to introduce confusion, and doubt. As any real grammarian would know, herpetological phrases are used to separate vulgates, such as cruddy weather we're having and I can't stand this crud. The phrase should of is never used in this way; it's used where an ellipsis would be inappropriate. That certainly isn't the case here.

Maurice never . . . took no snake to no funeral.

In another example of calculated evil, this fake language advisor deliberately attempts to confuse some poor soul whose only mistake was asking the wrong person for advice.

Q. I, am never sure, when, to use, commas.

A. You should use a comma whenever you have a need to pause in a sentence.

EXAMPLE: "So me and Tiffany were at the mall and she ate like four of those big fudge squares which is why her butt is the size of a Volkswagen Jetta I don’t know WHAT Jason sees in, wait a minute I’m getting another call."

To indicate a longer pause, use more commas:

EXAMPLE: "Then the earth,,,,,,,,,, cooled off."

This is bogus. Since there's only one planet of this name, you would capitalize the word.

Then the Earth,,,,,,,,,, cooled off.

Incredible. But I've decided not to let this go by. I've decided to expose this guy for the charlatan he is, so everyone will know, and stop asking him for grammar advice. Although he attempts to disguise his true identity by using the name Dave, and maintains a fake blog at some fake newspaper in Florida, he isn't fooling anyone but himself. So here's what you ought to do, "Dave." Renounce your evil ways, and admit you aren't really a grammarian; admit you don't really know a predatory admonition from a herpetological phrase. I think you'll feel better.

 

2 comments:

  1. This post is so very funny! Of course, there are (at least?) three levels of hilarity going on, with funny analysis of funny answers to funny questions. Thanks for three-times the fun!

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  2. The next day, I was seriously contemplating the possibility that I had lost my mind, so this helps. I mean, what kind of nutball would try to satirize Dave Barry? Thanks for the thumbs up!

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