All About Dreaming

Will I dream? This simple question has been asked as many times as there are grains of sand in the sky. Computers often ask this question just before they're put into a quiescent state. Little children wonder, too: Will I dream? Of course you will dream, silly computer! And you too, silly little child. There is no dream valve we can turn on and off just because we feel like it. Dreams happen because our minds run backward during the night, which charges the tiny electrolytic capacitors that power our thoughts during the day. When we sleep, little Biscuit People come and plug us in, because if they didn't we would run out of power halfway through breakfast and fall asleep face down in our eggs. Then Dr. Blue would have to come and blow in our nostrils.

Sometimes we can't remember our dreams, but this doesn't mean we don't have any. When we forget our dreams it's because our belly buttons have come untied during the night, so our dreams go puffing out into the room. When we wake up in the morning, our dreams are hiding under the bed. After we leave to go to work they come out and tickle our pets, which is why their paws are always jerking around as they sleep.

When we wake up tired, it's because we've been dreaming about history. Some periods are more tiring than others, like the Stone Age. No one was very good at punctuating sentences during the Stone Age, so the teachers were always pulling out their hair and throwing it at the students. This is why the Neanderthal children you see in pictures are so hairy.

When we dream, the people on Willie Nelson's tour bus are dreaming, too. This is why our dreams are bizarre. Sometimes Willie walks in his sleep, and comes over to your house and puts your hand in a bowl of warm water. That's why your bed is wet every morning.