Fun With Caffeine

A mug of laughsSometimes life is boring. One way I reduce my boredom is by going to espresso shops and tormenting the employees. This works best when it's a shop I've never been to before, because they're less likely to immediately call the cops when I walk through the door. There are a lot of ways to have fun with espresso shop employees because they're always jacked up on caffeine, so it doesn't take much to push them over the edge.

Preparation is important. A red face is a good visual prop for this sort of thing, as are distended veins in the neck and forehead. This is why I precaffeinate myself with a handful of caffeine tablets beforehand. This not only raises my blood pressure to a dangerous level, but makes those all-important spastic head movements almost automatic. Just before I go in, I also hold my breath for a minute or so, which gets those veins ready for action. The other important thing is language. A calm, well-modulated voice is counterproductive in this situation; a high-pitched, almost hysterical tone is far more likely to produce the desired effect. Plain English is a big mistake, too. This is where a fake German accent really comes in handy.

Employee: "Hi! Welcome to Megabucks! What can I get started for you today?"

Me: "I'll have a mocha, please. Grande."

Employee: "One grande mocha. Did you want whip on that?"

Me: (head vibrating spasmodically) "Yah, mit vip! Vee kent hef coffee mitout vip!"

Employee: "Sir?"

Me: (face reddening) "Vip!"

Employee: "That's with whip, then?"

Me: (stamping foot) "Vel os course mit vip! Vee hef vip mit das coffee allvays!"

Employee: (not smiling) "Sir, I don't think this is . . ."

Me: (very agitated, almost screaming) "Vip! Vip! Vip! Vip!"

Employee: (reaching for phone) "Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Obviously, there are two possible ways to deal with the situation at this point. The first way is to continue the tirade, which almost always results in police intervention. The second is to laugh, admit you were only having some fun, and back away slowly with your hands in the air. Neither has a particularly positive effect on most employees, so it's best to choose espresso shops you don't intend to visit again, ever.


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