Why We Need SINN In Our Lives: A Modest Proposal

This week's elections have resulted in sweeping changes to the political landscape, and widespread happy-dancing throughout the realm. However, the obvious shortcomings in our voting process should be addressed now, before the upcoming presidential race is in full swing. Although it isn't feasible, yet, to cast our votes using the Internet—security and identification issues prevent it—it's only a matter of time before those technical problems are resolved, resulting in a streamlined voting process for everyone. But really, why stop there? Recent advances in genetic theory and practice combined with nanotechnology could spell the end of voter frustration, while doing away with the need for things like term limits, the Electoral College, and impeachment proceedings.

I'm referring, of course, to the Symbiotic Implantable Neural Network, or SINN. The SINN would be implanted between the frontal lobes, and once activated, would quickly establish a symbiotic relationship with the host's neurological processes. In effect, they would become one. In addition to the SINN's extraordinary processing capabilities, its imbedded millimeter-wave transceiver would allow communications with a range of similarly equipped devices. Politicians, for example.

The SINN-enabled voter would be free of the mundane chores we currently associate with our voting process. Things like voter registration would become a thing of the past; the SINN would automate the process, allowing the voter to concentrate on more important issues like lunch, or football. But the greatest benefit would be evident at election time, because . . . well, because there wouldn't be an election time. By virtue of its uninterrupted contact with the host, the SINN would fully automate the voting process; the host would have only to think about politics, thereby bringing the SINN online. Once out of its quiescent state, the SINN would continually monitor the host's thoughts, and upon detecting dissatisfaction with any incumbent politician, instantly transmit a vote for someone generating more positive thoughts in that voter's mind.

The concept of term limits would be relegated to the scrap pile of history, too. With SINNs, a politician's term might be anywhere from two days to 70 years, depending on voter satisfaction. The newly elected representative who reneges on campaign promises would find his term severely truncated, while the effective, likeable politician could remain in office forever—or until retirement, whichever occurs first.

Using SINNs, other outdated concepts could be ejected as well. The Electoral College would quickly slip into oblivion, because for the first time, every vote would count. Votes would be applied directly to the candidate, instead of wasting time—and obscene amounts of money—on conventions and those who attend them.

Impeachment proceedings would be unnecessary. Renegade presidents, by virtue of their own implanted SINNs, would simply cease to function in any meaningful way. While rudimentary processes would persist—the ability to eat and walk would remain intact—any attempt to continue in a presidential capacity would result in the uncontrollable impulse to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth on prime-time news programs.

As you can see, SINNs represent an elegant solution to a variety of problems associated with our current political system. And as you might expect, their utility could be easily extended to related areas of concern. Talk-show hosts, bloggers, and certain clergy would be prime candidates for Symbiotic Implantable Neural Networks, especially during the time leading up to our next election.