Rock, Paper, No Scissors

A thoughtful giftMother's Day has come and gone, but I have a few tips that may be useful for next year. For one thing, I heard some complaints about the difficulty of selecting a thoughtful Mother's Day gift, but I don't think it has to be that way. When I replace the batteries in an electronic device, I don't throw away the used batteries; I save them in a small box for occasions just like this. That way, I feel I'm contributing to the recycling effort, and mom gets a thoughtful, useful gift for Mother's Day in the process.

I also heard a few complaints—from the single guys, mostly—about the difficulties involved in wrapping that thoughtful gift, but here again, a little ingenuity goes a long way. For a couple bucks I got some tissue wrapping-paper and a funny card, which later made mom cry when she realized how thoughtful I had been. I didn't have any scissors, so I just wrapped the whole multilayered sheet of tissue paper around my small box of AA batteries a few times, and taped it up. I also didn't have any scotch tape, but strapping tape works just as well.

A proper, thoughtful wrapping job requires a bow, or at least ribbon. So I went outside and found some grass clippings, which I taped to the top of the package. For additional visual interest—and some additional heft, because a heavy gift always suggests quality and thoughtfulness—I used small rocks to anchor the grass clippings.

When mom saw my gift, she was so overcome with emotion that she covered her face with her hands and ran into the bathroom. This was gratifying, because although it certainly wasn't the first time someone has reacted this way to one of my gifts, it meant I had successfully communicated the thoughtfulness and taste that are so important to mothers, especially on Mother's Day.



  1. Anonymous5:48 PM UTC

    This is utterly hilarious! Visual interest + heft = brilliant! I, too, was overcome with emotion while reading all this. Oh, another thing I like is how this item appears *after* Mother's Day has come and gone. I love celebrating holidays at odd times, or whenever the mood strikes. Why be tied to the calendar, especially when virtually all of our holidays are celebrated at arbitrary times, anyway?

  2. Anonymous6:07 PM UTC

    Thank you. Thank you very much. And I completely agree with your holiday anarchy; in fact, I think I'll celebrate Halloween today. Again.

  3. Anonymous4:29 AM UTC

    That's the funniest sh*t I've seen all week! Thanks man!

  4. Anonymous5:19 AM UTC

    Always glad to help.

  5. Anonymous8:11 AM UTC

    Actually, Jeff, you should be applauded for reinvigorating the *origins* of Mother's Day: the ancient Earth-goddess rituals that celebrated the Great Mother. Grass clippings and rocks are perfectly appropriate offerings! Happy Mother Earth day!

  6. Anonymous7:27 PM UTC

    I like it! Mother Earth Day it is, then, although I may use pine needles next time . . .