Hugging the Alien

Don't do this if you're an alien.I think I might be alienated. I don't mean just different, or even utterly separate from humankind in general. I mean it in the more literal sense of being permeated with DNA that isn't like my neighbor's DNA. I haven't been blessed with a full-scale DNA analysis lately, but that doesn't mean there's no evidence to support my conviction that I'm not really human.

One example is the way I interact with my food. When I feed, I don't just pack groceries in my cheeks the way ordinary humans do. Rather, I sense my lunch is being integrated with the very essence of me; I feel my food and I are becoming one. I don't think most people feel this way, unless they're aliens.

Another reason I don't think I'm human is my sense of humor. When someone tells me a funny joke, I don't laugh. Instead, I immediately begin telling a similar joke, except I begin with the punch line. I don't like waiting until the end to say it, because to an alien, that would be stupid.

If you've ever watched aliens for a while, you know they don't like hugging each other. They like to hug themselves, which is exactly how I feel when my arms are hugging my shoulders. I'm pretty sure humans don't feel that way about hugs, because if they did, they'd probably be aliens.



  1. Anonymous4:48 AM UTC

    Glad to see the experiment with human lifeforms hasn't distorted your alien DNA. Phone home...