Why I Hate Butterflies

Cuteness doesn't grow on trees When we think about soft and gentle thingsthe purring of kittens, four-ply toilet tissue, and butterfly sneezes for exampleit's easy to forget there's a dark side to everything, and that cuteness doesn't grow on trees.

This sobering truth occurred to me as I was examining a pair of butterfly wings I found among the radishes this morning. At first I was overcome with sadness because there was no butterfly to go along with those beautiful wings, which made me wonder if someone had eaten the butterfly's body, which made me think about donuts.

I love chocolate donuts, so I went back inside and found a whole box of them in the cabinet above the sink, which is a pretty good place to store donuts when you think about it. As the sugar and grease began to take effect, I returned to the vegetable patch to ponder the tragedy of butterflies. I wondered what might cause them to abandon their wings in the first place, and whether they regret it afterward.

Then, with a dull thud, the light came on. Butterflies are always sneezing, and that's why they're forever losing their wings! All over the world the explosive force of butterfly sneezes wreaks havoc, so it's only fair that their wings should be blown off in the process. Devastating hurricanes, spawned by the incessant sneezing of butterflies in Madagascar. Wildfires in California, fanned by the combined exhaust from the mouths of Mexican butterflies. The polar ice cap, melting under the hot breath of sneezing Icelandic butterflies.

Butterfly sneezes aren't cute.



  1. This is by far the best exploration of the "butterfly effect" I've read. Plus, you've refined deadpan humor to the point of sublimity. The donut interlude is quite nice, by the way. I did indeed Google your phrase, "incessant sneezing of butterflies in Madagascar," and perhaps you won't be surprised to know that Omegaword is the sole hit for that one.

  2. Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm finally getting the recognition I deserve.

  3. erm...
    what about the "Made in China" sticker on the dark side of the moon? And lots more great blogposts? JK, the ones you put up make me laugh and snort and tear up plenty. All the people on the other computers in the library glare at me. Thanks. Lots of love, see you and mamma and stick on sunday night.

  4. I've been trying to remember what it was I was supposed to be remembering, but couldn't because, like, I couldn't remember. Thanks for the memory jog, and pay no attention to those perps in the library. They're just jealous because they can't think of anything to laugh and snort and tear up plenty about.

    XO . . . cu Sunday

  5. Did you ever think of the possibility those butterfly wings were left there just for you to find? And thus spreading the great word via you? Hmm? What if?

  6. Hum. No, actually. I've been accused of laboring under the considerable weight of the delusions commonly attributable to a Type IV Messiah Complex, but that turned out to be nothing more than an overabundance of sugar and grease in my spleen. I shall have to ponder your suggestion, but must first locate more donuts.

    By the way, I note the absence of a photo in your profile, yet you seem somehow familiar. Are you?