My Conservative Investment Strategy

No risky investments here. No sir. No sirreee Bob. Recent developments in our troubled financial system have not forced me to reconsider my investment strategy. Fortunately, my highly diversified portfolio means I'm not suffering from the high-risk lending practices that caused this fiasco in the first place. Long ago, I decided to follow the advice of a trusted friend, and invested in parsley, sage, rosemary and time instead.

This conservative strategy has made all the difference. Contrary to what your financial advisor told you, the proof of it isn't so much in the pudding. Rather, it's in the salads and the tea, and in all the ticks and tocks that accumulate during the course of a typical midmorning siesta.

It may seem obvious in retrospect, but since the value of bottled time and hot tea increases during periods of fiscal volatility, these commodities are always an effective hedge against the various anxieties that come from wearing a wooden barrel without underwear.



  1. My understanding is that barrel-wearers never don underwear. Indeed, the proper under-barrel apparel would be a "kilderkin" (at least for those with two "firkins").

  2. Haha! Very clever, and on a Monday no less. Or no more, if half a firkin is a munchkin.