Why We Shouldn't Sniff Glue

Maybe the Beatles were aliens, too.

Last weekend's archeological dig turned up more than I could have hoped for. Right here in my own backyard, I unearthed pieces of a mysterious silver platter that converts ordinary sunlight to every scintillating color, and more mysterious still, there is music (!) in the thing. This, I think, is the clearest indication of its intended use as a vessel of communication between Us and Them.

Only an alien intelligence would have the wisdom to design such an elegant device, and only an alien intelligence would possess the foresight to leave it exactly where it ought to be found, at exactly the right moment, by exactly the sort of person suited for the task of communicating such news to the world.

With the help of a few pieces of tape, the shards rested perfectly in the tray of my CD player. This is how I learned of the music and the alien message imbedded in it. The message seemed cryptic at first, but became increasingly meaningful with each replay.

Here's what I've been able to decipher so far.

Glove Glove

Me Too


I Love



Sew Please

Love [unintelligible]


The reference to Alaska is particularly intriguing in light of the recent election; it confirms the aliens' mastery of space and time. The repeated mention of gloves corroborates it.

The references to glue are more puzzling. While aliens aren't completely above suspicion with their swollen brains and marblelike eyes, sniffing glue does seem a bit out of character when you consider their aviation-safety record at major airports worldwide. More likely, it's simply a good-natured jab at one or more unelectable citizens of our northernmost state.



  1. Oh, there's so much to love here! First, you had me with the word "scintillating." The phrase "ordinary sunlight" is so perfect, and I'm making a mental note to work it into daily speech. Your message became increasingly meaningful with each replay -- so true! Just yesterday, I gleaned a new appreciation for a song I've heard hundreds of times, "Come Undone" by Duran Duran. It's about the feeling of a heart shattered to pieces, and in the pre-chorus are these words: "We'll try to stay blind / to the hope and fear outside." And I realized the profundity of these words: if you've been riven, the only hope for putting yourself back together is turning a blind eye to the illusion of duality (hope v.s. fear).

  2. Someone near and dear to me recently made the observation that fear of fear is often a more debilitating influence than the actual fear itself, an expression of her personal realization that "we have nothing to fear but fear itself," or words to that effect.

    Some years ago, I became unnaturally fond of a different expression, "apathy is the key," a verbal reduction of my own realization that (1) certain elements of the human equation can't be changed, (2) attempts to do so are always misguided, and (3) it has always been this way.

    Today, I would add two more items to the list: (4) losing hope and loss of fear have more in common than some might think, and (5) once gone, they're replaced with stronger, more durable stuff.

    Or maybe they just reintegrate.

  3. "Apathy is the key" -- what a gem! Yes, "hope" gets thrown around as some sort of positive sentient, but people seem to forget that Hope was one of the evils unleashed from Pandora's Box.

  4. William Burroughs on fear:

    "Never fight fear head-on. ... Let it in and look at it. What shape is it? What color? Let it wash through you. Move back and hang on. Pretend it isn't there. Get trivial. ... There are many ways to distance yourself from fear. Keep silence and let fear talk. You will see it by what it does. Death doesn't like to be seen that close. Death must always elicit surprised recognition: 'You!' The last person you expected to see, and at the same time, who else? When de Gaulle, after an unsuccessful machine-gun attack on his car, brushed splintered glass off his shoulder and said, 'Encore!,' Death couldn't touch him."
    The Western Lands

  5. Excellent, and I couldn't agree more. Staring into the abyss isn't necessarily fun; it's just necessary.

    (Always did like de Gaulle, too.)