Exercising Demons

Proper nutrition and a daily fitness regimen are as important to our wellbeing as clean laundry. The proof of this can be seen in the faces of those whose steady diet of frozen burritos and soiled undergarments has robbed them of the vim required to get out of bed on weekends. Vim isn't a right but a responsibility, even among those fortunate enough to have only one chin.

In a similar way, the demon with whom you share your body and soul can't be expected to keep its mouth shut at the grocery store if it hasn't done a bloody thing all day. Demons need exercise, too, especially when their nutrition is hampered by the childish whims of their hosts. Of course it's going to whine, and of course it's going to hide inappropriate items in the shopping cart when you aren't looking. And yes, we all know how awkward it is to have to explain why your head is rotating as you wait in the checkout line.

To maintain the health and longevity of one's demon, it's important to recognize the difference between the needs of the otherworldly versus those of the merely physical. While your body may be grateful for the opportunity to walk to the neighborhood convenience store for a pack of smokes, the bulk of your demon exists in the fifth and sixth dimensions, leaving only its four stubby legs on which to navigate the physical plane. Since the average demon is roughly the size of a chipmunk, putting it on a leash for your evening stroll generally isn't worth the time and effort required to fasten a collar around a neck that isn't even in the same dimension to begin with.

Fortunately, there's an easy way to provide your demon with the exercise it deserves. Your local pet-supply store probably already stocks everything you'll need, including the colorful plastic tubing favored by hamsters and other small rodents. How much tubing you'll need depends on the size and layout of your home, but a good rule of thumb is to multiply your home's square footage by 3.14, then add the resulting number to your demon's height in the fifth dimension. An exercise wheel isn't recommended for demonic applications, as demons are nocturnal creatures, and also quite unable to resist the impulse to run.

Its fitness needs met, your demon is less likely to insist on snack foods and other quasinutritional items from your grocer's freezer. This will not only reduce your monthly food bill, it will ease the tension during those long waits in the checkout line. Shopping is sufficiently stressful already without the embarrassment of unwanted head rotation, which isn't going to happen if your demon is sleeping peacefully after a good night's workout.

Of course, if you happen to be a night owl—or just an owl—that won't apply to you. If it isn't possible to modify your sleeping habits, you may want to look into the possibility of ordering a demon from a different part of the world, where sleeping hours more closely approximate your own.