Undressing Perspective

The idea that clothes make the man is disturbing already, but adding manmade fabric to the picture brings the same panic I feel whenever I try to put an Escher print into perspective. If I was fabricated by the same entity I created to fashion myself, which came first, and how many iterations must I endure before I'm fit for the rack? These are the sorts of questions that compel me to take off my clothes. Clearly, there are pressing reasons to remain undressed in the first place.

A misplaced iron, for one. For two, the problem is compounded by the duplicity of gender-specific garb, which only betrays the outline within. Without resorting to anatomy, I would simply point to the hourglass figure on the beach as an example of behavioral problems that may linger into adulthood if left unaddressed. As any postal employee will tell you, it isn't polite to point, regardless of how little sand is left in the timepiece.

In larger households, the effort required to maintain perspective amid the closeted wardrobes of upscale hand-me-downs may exceed available oomph, resulting in vertigo, and shortness of pants. Since panting is one of the few remaining pleasures available to the modern dog, expecting your best friend to keep his canines away from your trousers is like asking a dog to darn your socks. Better to just hex the whole wardrobe and get it over with.