The resolve to procrastinate. Outwitting a deity isn't as easy as it sounds, especially when there are too many consonants in the deity's name. Since Quetzalcoatl's third cousin, Qaotlkumquatquetzalquat, is planning to rob me of my new year's resolutions by taking an earlier flight, I decided to get the jump on her by publishing my resolutions now, while there's still time to procrastinate.


To spend more time rolling things, like my eyes, and my Rs.

To start taking responsibility for rubbing my own elbows.

To stop calling my barber "Einstein" before she's done cutting my hair.

To spend more time in quiet reflection, and less time reflecting the noises of stray dogs, or helicopters.

To disavow any knowledge of impossible missions, especially those that require me to say grace before I'm allowed to eat.

To stop introducing myself as "Uncle Cracker."

To stop exaggerating the letter S in my speech.

To stop insisting that "with six you get eggroll" when I'm ordering at Taco Bell.

To learn the etiquette of the sea without resorting to fake pirate speech.

To install a diving board on my dumpster.


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