A Diminutive History

Too small to feel the sting of the cloying crowd. Recent discussions of fairytale livesand the characters who inhabit themare reason enough to question the real meaning of family, and how many dwarves can be comfortably accommodated in a foyer that was never zoned for the business at hand, namely, waiting for so-and-so to wake up and smell the coffee.

While it seems obvious that the fates of the seven outweigh the fate of the one, such a formulaic solution is of little value when applied to Watery, Coughy, and Dimple, the missing dwarves long thought to have emigrated to the coastal regions of Saskatchewan, but who had, instead, fallen in with a nomadic tribe of Philadelphian beekeepers, thus affording them a measure of immunity from the cloying crowd and their stinging remarks.

Further unscrewing the lid of historical fact, it seems the trio had been adopted by Punzle, a barista from the heel of France, whose maternal instincts were honed by the blended aromas issuing from her grandfather's beard, where the beans were kept. The three had spent their formative years hidden beneath Punzle's towering hairpiece, thus giving rise to lies and legends surrounding the true underpinnings of her beehive, while generating the sort of media buzz that only a stage mother could love to hear.

Though the meteoric rise of the trio's biological brothers is the stuff of legend, the legendary stuffing distributed by Watery Culinary Supply would go on to grace the turkeys of many, while Dimple ruffled their feathers with extraordinary renditions of cold cases, hot mustard, and their combined effect on the gastric stability of jurisprudence on the international stage.

As for Coughy, the trail goes cold somewhere in the backwoods of Kentucky, but not before he's rumored to have invented the Portabilly, a mechanical contrivance designed to quicken the pace of progress on the uphill sides of mountains too steep to climb without the aid of a local porter. Even the most clear-eyed Sherpa can't be expected to see the forest through a mule's bulky load of glamour shots, but that doesn't mean he should ignore the buzzing in his backpack.



  1. You've "said so many things I wanted to say but I didn't know how, you know?" (to quote _Arrested Development_).