Guerilla Navigation

Where do you want this chillin' done? Out on highway 61.

When I'm bored, I enjoy driving under the influence of the synthetic female voice from the GPS navigation system, letting the day's dramas melt away in the mirror behind the seat. The mispronounced street names always make me smile, and I have to laugh when I'm routed into oncoming traffic, or onto a bicycle path.

After entering a destination, it's fun to disobey the directions in an attempt to force the system into hysteria.

"In one-quarter mile, make a u-turn to stay on East Embryo."

"In 300 feet, make a u-turn to stay on East Embryo."

"Make a u-turn."

"Make a u-turn."

[warbling shriek]

"This is a bad neighborhood."

When I'm in one of my little moods, I like to fool the navigation system into believing I'm on a bicycle, when in fact I have no intention of even rolling down the windows.

"Continue west on East Embryo for one-half mile."

"In one-quarter mile, merge onto Viva Apocalypse Bicycle Trail."

"In 300 feet, merge onto Viva Apocalypse Bicycle Trail."


"Merge! Merge! Merge!"


"I want to get out."

When I'm in one of my larger moods, I understand the futility of expecting an electronic sextant to do my thinking for me, but then I remember that I can't see the stars anyway, so it's all good.



  1. A sort of Viva Apocalypse Bicycle Trail sign?:

  2. Ha! That's it alright. What's left of it is anyone's guess, but that's what GPS is for.

  3. Just encountered this in the book I'm reading, _Dublinesque_ by Enrique Vila-Matas: "Nothing tells us where we are and each moment is a place we have never been."

  4. I'm 180 degrees out of phase with both halves of the sentence, so it's time to hop a freight.