Cat o' Nine Tales

All cats are gifted comedians. And they're dark, too. When I see a cat racing through the house with loony eyes and a severe case of pooftail, my first thought is that I forgot to close the front door before I went to bed. On second thought, it generally occurs to me that the cat lives here, and is merely pursuing one of the local phantasms who seem to think that life is one big joke.

Cats know that life is considerably more complicated. While the average human muddles through, at most, one life at a time, cats are forced to juggle nine, leaving precious little time to practice their routines before a live audience. Fortunately, cats are gifted comedians, a trait that is only amplified by nine simultaneous lives in a multiverse known for its dark sense of humor.

Like the multiverse, cats know that a lighthearted story sells fewer copies than its shadowy counterpart; they understand that profitable storytelling relies on the accumulation of apprehension, and dread. This is why cats store dark matter in their tails.



  1. Nine lives lived simultaneously -- yes. The Amazonian Baniku people believed that "each individual lives nine lives, simultaneously, in parallel universes. The universe, according to the Baniku people, consists of three planes. Within each plane are three nodes, namely a neutral, positive and negative node. We simultaneously live parallel lives in each of these nodes, amounting to a total of nine parallel lives." Interestingly, details of this belief system (including, we presume, information about Baniku cats) was seized by the Brazilian government to keep it secret.


  2. This was the reference source:

  3. Wow. I'm boggling already, and I haven't even begun to research this yet.

    Not sure if a link at the bottom was lost somehow, but... aha! Here it comes now...